and realized something about myself that you don't know. When I am by myself and walk into cafes or other establishments that require me stand at the cashier and look up at a menu and tell them what I want to order, I sometimes forget that I'm supposed to be figuring out what I want as I'm standing in line because, you know, wind tunneling. And then it's my turn. And I go "Hi! How's it goin?" and they always go "Hi! I'm doing well thanks for asking! What would you like to order?" --- And that's when everything falls apart. I go, "Oh shit....", tilt my head back slightly and open my mouth and emit an "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" to buy me some time. And if I do it for five seconds and still can't figure it out I say "Oh god I'm so sorry - Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......"
And I realized today that the other person always laughs. They always smile at this event, watching this strange but polite guy go into an animalistic thought void. And then as soon as I decide, Immediately snap back to coherent and sharpened and alert thoughts. The "thank you!" the smile, the act as nothing ever happened, the turn around and scan the establishment for an open seat and if there isn't one, walk briskly to an open slot and wait for eternity with patience
Hehehe
Life is funny
I like u
I make moar of them:
Three yawning clouds
walk into a bar...
A sun wearing shades
walks into a laundromat...
One crossaint, carrying two baguettes,
walks into a patisserie
is calm
is beating steady
is growing strong
is surging with love
is whispering to you
is with yours
is yours
is craving oreos
are beautiful. They are Spectres and dark but beautiful. Don't grow anxious with darkness, just recognize it when it dwells and let it dissolve through you. Like an ephemeral cloud obscuring the sun. Dat shit will evaporate inevitably and the light will shine through.
just started. It is 6:53AM and I'm lying on my right arm putting it to sleep. My cheek is mashed into the pillow, the light coming through the blinds are a gentle blue。 The kind of blue that isn't trying to wake me up. It's more like a timid "excuse me". The sky politely peeking through into my life as a distant whisper on its way, molasses style, photons streaming at light speed but somehow it's slow. I had a wonderful dream last night. All I remember is that I had a giant construction machine crane bulldozer thing and A house I could do anything with. I tore into its roof and moved parts of the floor to create forts here and concrete bathtubs there. It was every boys dream come true. I dreamed that a dream came true!!!! The former half involved me in a ski lodge throwing balls out the window. That was fun, but that's about as much description needed. There was something magical too but I don't remember.
Hmm...
Hmm Hmm Hmm.
Wind Tunnel Blues.
I love you.
is simmering royal golden, honestly soft, ruan, ruan, ruan, night owl feathers drifting higher
naked, with one of my pillows knocked on the floor, to the light streaming in through the blinds angled at 60 degrees. I stood up and wriggled my toes in the carpet, took a deep breath, and left-foot first stumbled, tripped, and caught myself on the door handle, span sharply to the right, arm flailed out with fingers searching for the next surface, stop, drop, and rolled into the kitchen, downward dog into sun stanced in front of the coffee grinder, blinked twice, squatted, stretched out hot dog style tippie toes , pressed that lever that makes the water in the cup boil nice and bubbly, exhaled three, ground the beans, ran water over the origami paper plane, high fives all around. 5 min out of bed and shoes on, chugged the coffee, burned the throat, shirt on inside out. backwards too. 100m dash out the door, down the fire escape, into the basement only to realize i left my car on the street, ran up stairs, out into the tree filled courtyard, hopscotched the last 50 steps in front of a construction worker on his cellular phone, started the engine, recited Tale of Two Cities, sped onto the freeway, MarioKart red shelled the fuck out of that bro in the Tacoma, vroom vroom, punk ass bitch driving. got to my sisters, punched in that super secret code, ducked under the door hoping today wasn't the day garage doors fail, jumped in my old car, gripped the steering wheel remembering why this one is the one and only, leather smell, the little button that makes the side mirror ears bend down bloodhound pup-style, what was the point of this? I saw a dog named Frosty today by the way. I had a staring contest with it as I walked down this deadend suburban rode. and then right when it passed me it jumped out all aggressively. I laughed. Coz it was just way too tiny. Like no way it could've done anything to me. Funny dog. Ran 0.8 miles up a trail to get to that single tree out there over there a little to the right under the clear blue sky. Rose over the crest, Pacific Ocean as far as the eye could see. I turned around , remembered the map, sent you those snappy snaps, remembered it said WW2 Bunker , couldn't see it from my pin, did that whole one hand on hip the other shielding the sun from the eyes, couldn't see it with my own two blind bat impressionist orbs that one can barely call eyes. Started walking, felt my phone ring a ding ding, sister calling, says head over to Alemany now - dad wants to get lunch and talk to me about that whole investment thing with Jyve --- But the bunk- errrr okay I'm on my way. Walk , briskly, jogging, running, sprinting, panting, slowing, relaxing --/ in the car vroom vroom fast forward , parking, sexting, saw Su Ping, hugged, she told me to contact Ernest, I have his # already, Trip to San Diego probably right, Noriega street, banh cuon, restaurant closed on Thursdays, went to Chinese Waike"""le for the first time since I was maybe 12, memories, so many nostalgic, they still wear the dress up black suits there, the bread is the same, sugar and butter for days baby, there's more, but you're sending me snaps and I can't wait to open it and ---
Yours
ooh ooh
I spent the whole day slowly packing the remainder of my things and I drove down to my new apartment and set up the speakers in the living room floor and unpacked my life. I skipped lunch because I was so excited, I got dizzy from how hungry I got - but whatever. I stood in the kitchen looking out into the living room space imagining the next 6 months of my life. Silver, Green, & Gold. It's all I can really see now. It's everywhere. New royal emerald and brass blood. I thought about you. I thought about how alive you still make me feel. In a way that resonates in soundwaves and airwaves very deeply. The light that comes into my apartment is soft and white. The floors are a dark and textured beautifully. I began imagining the space. I got to be architect in my brain. I realized how much joy I take out of crafting my universe my way. Down to every little detail. God is in the details.
我去咖啡店吃早飯。想妳。 看到汽蒸騰。
I got the keys to my new apartment. I opened the door and took off my shoes and realized that I could slide really well across the floors. The shades weigh like hella lbs, I rolled them all up. And took in the emptiness, noticed how the light gently washed over all the surfaces so serenely. It was like taking a deep breath. I felt clean , and pure. I spent the whole afternoon talking with my parents about the pacific super v2.0 idea, they were wise and pushed me to think in ways j haven't before. They are so smart and measured. Gah, they are awesome.
I burned through the last of that candle we bought at Walgreens and listened to Renee Sleeping on repeat as I crawled under my bed and packed all my trinkets into old shoeboxes. I found my old portfolio i hand made when I applied to my first jobs out of college. I found a folder full of old Harvard forms. I packed slowly, and opened all the books I touched and thought about all the change that's happened already. I was relaxed. I am relaxed
I recited quietly in my mind... "silver green & gold" . seven golden burning suns. a dark/piercing silver moon. and the jade sea and emerald forests leaves
I stood in front of a locked door for over 7 minutes waiting for my friend To open it even even though --- nvm he's here
i fukin luv u
but anyways,
i listened to my favorite radio show (derrick gee)
his first episode of 2016
its fantastic.
its so good.
so much new R&B and rap
im excited
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