You have to learn to love the questions themselves
I had 6 hours of interviewing today at Nootrobox and they liked me and want to start a 3 week contract to feel out how we work together. And after eating dinner, I got in my car and drove home, and called my sister, and told her about how it went. And as we talked, I began to realize something. I began to realize that you can't deny your heart. My heart was telling me that these people were fucking crazy. They were smart, but they were abrasive, and harsh, and so intense but in the wrong ways. They spoke loudly of themselves, they boasted of themselves. They told me that this was the best work they've ever done. And I was so confused, because quietly in my head I was asking myself...how? Today I realized that there are many different types of fire. Many different types of being alive. The lead engineer told me that work is his life. He told me that we work here everyday, on Sundays too. That we are "HERE TO WIN." That he takes these pills to make him smarter. That smarter people are better for the world. That one day we will be able to live forever.
WE ARE NOT GODS.
Maybe he's right, but I don't want that reality to be right. I'm scared of that dream. I'm scared of those who want to experience that dream. We are not meant to live forever. We are meant to die. We are meant to love while we are alive, and then we are meant to die.
I realized that these people had no sense of humility. There are different breeds of fire.
There is beautiful fire, and there is hubris-fire, and there is mean fire, and there is divine fire, and there is loving fire, and there is compassionate fire, and there is blind fire, and there is unholy fire.
Can I imagine working with these people for 2-3 years? Everything in my body and heart are screaming FUCK NO.
The only nice guy I met today was the designer. And we got along right away. He asked me if I wanted to take a walk, to go outside and get a coffee. He was human. I asked him who he was, where he was from. We were instant friends. He was a soft-spoken soul. He was of my kind. And by the end of the interview - I asked him bluntly: What's it like working with these guys? And he said back to me: It's fucking intense. I'll be honest with you, its like - they are here to rip you apart and if you can't defend yourself on the spot, it won't happen. I asked him if he ever felt disrespected, if he felt stifled. He was like "Yes." He was like, "But I can work with you. You're chill. This is chill. But with them, just get ready, b/c its they like to play war."
The CEO asked me if I had any questions.
I told him I appreciate his bluntness. His brutal honesty. And I am going to play this game as well. Transparency, true thoughts laid out on the table.
I told him "You all play hardball. You guys are fucking intense. You guys all hustle. I am OK with this, as long as respect is never questioned. As long as respect is maintained."
I told him "I didn't try your pills after you gave me a sample. I'm philosophically not a proponent of adding a daily external chemical to alter my chemistry to augment my life. Something about that unsettles me, and I want to be honest with you and let you know that this is my current position on the product."
I told him "I have concerns with your product ethically and want to learn more about what you guys are doing and why you are doing it. You seem to be playing with drugs that are potentially habit-forming, are you taking advantage of this space right now to bankroll? Or do you believe in this?"
I told him "You all have told me that you want someone to own design. But I can tell from even today's conversations that you guys are attached to certain things, naturally. This is your baby. How open are you to actual change?"
He told me he doesn't give a fuck about how it looks, as long as it sells. He told me the co-founder is emotionally attached to it though and you're gonna have to fight him and convince him otherwise.
Do I want my entire experience of work to be a fight?
These people are warriors no doubt. But what kind of warrior?
Hustle is not inherently good. Drive is not inherently good. Ambition is not inherently good.
I have immense doubts about this.
I should follow my heart.
What do I actually want out of life?
Why does this question keep coming back and why does the answer always seem to slip away the moment I try to touch its shadow?
What a roller-coaster.
Do I think too much?
But its just what I think...
How can you think too much?
Sigh
Life is not easy
I want to just love things and lay in the sun and breathe
““Give me a week, moon dove (eom)””
“Aroo”
“Do you have a number above 35 associated with your mad love”
“Hold on, calculating distance in kilometers between Mercury and Mars at its closest point”
“170,030,000KM”
“105 million miles”
“Yes, I like that.”
“I have to ask you more questions to reply to you.
I want to know what you think flight has to do with the cosmos
I want to know what about her makes you so mad in love
I want to know how you have come about accepting you will never be with her
I want to know if you have hope you will meet someone else like that”
“OK.
Both transcend my reality.
Every little fucking thing in my life now brims with beauty and meaning. And I get to laugh about poop and pugs at the same time.
I haven’t.
I pray I do.”
I woke up because my feet escaped the blanket last night and the cold air bit me and I rolled over and saw that I had forgotten my cup of tea, and the water had turned black, and I moved my arm behind my back until I found my phone, and I turned it on and I watched the video of a white ball floating up and falling down and last night it made me sad but today it made me think of, well, nothing. The light outside is white right now. My speakers are on, but nothing is playing now - I can only hear quiet static. Oh, but I remembered Videotape. Radiohead's Videotape. Most beautiful song ever. A musical stranger friend from Italy messaged me this morning on Facebook and linked me to an album that I've been eager to find a copy of for months. I said thank you. He gave me a thumbs up. Life is really cool. An astrological stranger took over my friend's keyboard last night and talked to me about the planets and their characteristics. Nevermind, I won't go there. Some Murakami-level trippy shit. That's all I'll say.
That Virgos come from Mercury
Who are these transhumanists?
Who are we to change the world?
To surpass the mind and the body?
We are not gods.
I'm fucking around with colors and fonts to market designer drugs that fuck with our homeostatic systems because its consumers wish to surpass the natural order and fuel themselves with chemicals to the next phase.
But maybe I'm being too harsh.
Someone's gonna do it anyway. Someone's gonna push the envelope of our species to the brink of its capacity. It's scary. It's terrifying. Hubris brings out of the beast, and the intellectual elite are a class that has not been checked by reality. They wish to escape reality, to operate beyond the humility of boundaries.
We are not gods.
But maybe my mom is right, maybe I just think too much.
But still, something about this doesn't feel quite right.
But at the same time its a career chess move that may prove to be very rewarding.
Maybe I can be the mole.
Maybe I can be the deviant from within the machine.
Persuade the captain to steer the ship straight and true.
To keep his eyes away from the leviathans of greed.
What the fuck am I even talking about? How am I better than any of these people?
This is where greyness sucks.
Indecision is the achilles' heel.
I just need to bite the bullet and pick something and run and don't look back and keep my heart good and open and true.
Poop.
EDIT: But it's damn fun...
blindfolded
stripes
&
sun beams
with wrists linked up high
casting southbound kisses
I found this notebook
in my shoebox today.
These thoughts began at a small desk in an old apartment in Cambridge with one window.
I was the most alone I've ever been.
A new world with unfamiliar faces.
I didn't know a single person.
I didn't have a single friend.
But I had meaning.
Jodorowsky changed me.
It was the first time ART made me SEE.
I felt so alive! So hungry!
Warrior's spirit blood
surging through me.
This was my first experience of genesis
This was the first time I sought to create meaning
When I decided to pursue the WHY NOT's of life and not the WHY's.
I don't know what's in this notebook
but I do know that it is ferocious
and free
.
This is the story of a soul and a spirit
born in a world with seven suns
and a desert that never ceases to burn the soles of your feet.
I was alone.
And I wasn't scared.
I was filled with fire.
But this fire was mortal
and it belonged to this Earth
and its unforgiving gravity.
This is the story of a phoenix who has not yet grown wings
.
Page 1
L E T ' S F U C K I N G B E G I N.
I T I S A U G U S T 2 0 1 4. T H E W O R L D I S A N E W. M U D & V I S C O U S S O I L.
T H E E A R TH I S R AW + B A R R E N. W H E R E W O U L D Y O U L I K E T O G O F R O M H E R E ?
T H E A I R I S D R Y, T H E W I N D S C A R RY K N I V E S. I T I S R U T H L E S S, M E R C I L E S S -
L I F E D O E S N O T B E L O N G H E R E.
T H I S I S F I R S T L I G H T.
T H E S U N I S T H E E N T I R E S K Y.
T H E H E A T S E E P S T H R O U G H Y O U R G O G G L E S.
Y O U R G L O V E S B E G I N T O P E E L.
S C O R C H I N G. E N D L E S S. C O N T E X T U A L - L E S S R E F E R E N C E S.
B E L G R A D E C A V E R N S + D I M - S T R I C K E N S P H E R E S.
M A Y N A R D. E N T R A N C E D . A N I M A L.
L E T ' S B E A L I V E.
I A M A L I V E !
E Y E S W I D E !
I W I L L N O T T U R N A W A Y.
E Y E L I D S R I P P E D A N D S I N G E D A W A Y
I T I S N E W.
I T I S A W A K E N I N G.
Y O U
A R E
A L I V E
.
Page 2
T H E T E N E R E
( L I T E R A L L Y D E S E R T / W I L D E R N E S S )
I S A D E S E R T R E G I O N I N T H E S O U T H C E N T R A L S A H A R A.
I T C O M P R I S E S A V A S T P L A I N O F S A N D S T R E T C H I N G F R O M N O R T H E A S T E R N N I G E R
I N T O C H A D , O C C U P Y I N G A N A R E A O F O V E R 4 0 0 , 0 0 0 S Q K M ( 1 5 0 , 0 0 0 S Q M I )
.
I T S B O U N D A R I E S A R E S A I D T O B E
T H E A I R M O U N T A I N S T O T H E W E S T
T H E H O G G A R M O U N T A I N S T O T H E N O R T H
T H E D J A D O P L A T E A U T O T H E N O R T H E A S T
T H E T I B E S T I M O U N T A I N S T O T H E E A S T
A N D T H E B A S I N O F L A K E C H A D T O T H E S O U T H.
T H E C E N T R A L P A R T O F T H E D E S E R T ,
T H E E R G D U B I L M A ,
I S A D U N E S E A
C E N T R E D A T A P P R O X I M A T E L Y
1 7 ° 3 5 ' N 1 0 ° 5 5 ' E
L E A R B R E D U T E N E R E
W A S A S O L I T A R Y A C A C I A T R E E T H A T W A S O N C E C O N S I D E R E D
T H E M O S T I S O L A T E D T R E E O N E A R T H
W I T H N O O T H E R K N O W N T R E E T O B E F O U N D
I N A 2 5 0 M I L E R A D I U S
.
T H I S D E S E R T
T H I S T R E E
T H I S D U N E S E A
.
T H I S W I L L B E T H E S E T T I N G
F O R M Y M I N D ' S
O D Y S S E Y
.
My sister called me this morning and told me that someone broke into our store last night. They cut the power lines and went for the safe and knocked it over, and stole hella bottles of Hennessey on their way out. We are all sitting in the office watching security camera footage watching these shadows with flashlights trying to pry open the door. They have a lookout, they get spooked by a truck that pulls in.
I spent the whole day playing detective and went through all the cameras to stitch together the timeline. It was three big dudes, one in a trench coat holding a shovel and a bag, another in a Texas Rangers hoodie holding a 12" knife.
My dad was so chill throughout it all. He just stood there and smiled and laughed about it all with his friends and the managers, and we cleaned up the things that got knocked over, and turned the power back on, and picked up the fish off the floor that had jumped out of their tanks, and one packet of instant noodle got knocked over somehow, and we told the customers waiting outside we just lost power, and opened it all back up again, and the Christmas music came back on, and my dad ordered phun mein from TK Noodle, and life goes on.