The sky was overcast today. There was no sun to be seen. I woke up and my body told me to be at peace, but my mind drank too much coffee and I felt anxious. I experienced uncertainty for the first time in a long time today...an uncertainty that manifested in a scary way. It feels good to be home in my room in my bed with all the things that mean stability to me - but today I feel restless. I want to love new people. I want to love the world in a new way. But it's one of those days where you scroll through your phonebook and don't feel like talking to a single soul in there.
The other day Charlotte described artists as those who swing between states of manic production and states of narcissistic self reflection. I fortunately or unfortunately feel that definition resonates deeply and true. I told myself half a year ago that I needed to calm this oscillation or I'd destroy myself...I told myself I at all costs needed to find a stable balance somewhere in between. But I'm learning now that balance doesn't mean flattening the waves of life to a dull eventless neutrality. I'm still hungry for the absurdity... I want to feel and love as much as I possibly can. I want to fly into the sun over and over again, even if it means it'll hurt me. Are these the infamous last words of a reckless youth? I don't want to believe that is true. I'm still not going to believe that is true. We only have one life to be alive on this planet. I want to stay aflame. I want everything and everyone to burn eternally.
Today I climbed onto the roof and put on these sunglasses for the first time expecting to reveal the silver flames around me. But the green made me feel a little sickly, a little sweet. I had to take them off because my body reacted viscerally. But that's okay... the fire's still burning even if I can't see it today. That's the leap of faith. Put them back on and embrace the suffering and persevere and the blessings will eventually appear. Suffering is good. Suffering makes us appreciate the beautiful things. Without suffering, well, there's no such thing as being alive without suffering. Everything is chill. It's the only way it can be.