that all of my friends from every part of my life were all laying on the living room passed out after partying for hours and hours in some house. I remember walking into the room, seeing everyone knocked out, stopping where I was, and just spaghetti noodling onto the floor, belly and face down into a pillow and feeling like a million bucks ... so cozy. And then, I felt a body gently lay down on my back and my lungs were like "guh, fuck" and then I felt arms wrap around me and then a whisper in my ear: "
to dreams
I think its time for me to live alone again, I don't know why but something in me is telling me that I want and need this very badly. I want to be away from everything and focus. Everyday the wants keep changing, I can't let fo-mo get to me. I've never been a victim of fo-mo until recently. It's annoying. I want to pursue something purely.
I went to my design programs Christmas Party and it was full of genuine smiles and I was really happy to see all these people after so many months and I realized that I really appreciated these souls. It was the first time I've hugged someone and meant it in a while, not just that cordial touch. people asked me how I was. I asked people how they were. and I actually wanted to know. and then Rachele was like I want to go home and eat stuff. I was too tipsy and I let her drive my car and she is a fucking scary driver and flashed the high beams at a poor old lady who was just trying to back out of her driveway it was fucking hilarious. and then I talked to Julienne and every time I talk to this girl , which is maybe 3 times ever now, we go straight to the real shit and she thinks a lot and I can tell and it's always nice to meet a kindred soul who's existentially struggling through this shit with the rest of us. And then I met this girl named Katie and I've always heard her name but never met her and we got along and she was chill and we sat at the table talking about children's books and courage the cowardly dog. and then Hai came over and we watched this tv show about what if Japan and the nazis won the war and America was occupied by them. and then I drove home listening to Billie holiday, and she said something about the morning sun and the moon, and it rained on my windshield and I wiped it with the double speed just coz, and a couple heard the song as they walked past through a crosswalk and they smiled and I smiled too, and then I found some parking hella close to my apartment, and I crossed paths with a drunk guy and we did that thing where we tried to give clearance to one another but both chose the same way and stopped and he said "fuck my bad" and I was like "hahaha it's chill" and I walked past three guys who were speaking Spanish but it wasn't Mexican accent so Iono where they are from, maybe Peru? it had a gentle roll, maybe Guatemala like my Spanish teacher in high school. Mr Pineda. we used to watch soccer on YouTube on the projector 5 min before the lunch bell. I really needed tonight. I felt happy tonight. I've been really sad, I think it's the weather. but tonight I remembered what it felt like to feel warm, and maybe all of this is not so bad after all. my parents want me to stay, stick something out you know? I've been fleeing when I sense unhappiness and I think it's time I try my hand at planting both feet in solid earth and endure . maybe it's all worth it. I want it to be worth it.
I'll be seeing you
In all the old familiar places
That this heart of mine embraces
All day and through
In that small cafe
The park across the way
The children's carousel
The chestnut trees, the wishing well
I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you
I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you
I've accepted reality
new world
(:
we walked up to a man on the beach who was flying a model plane in the sky. He had a huge remote controller. He wore a beret and sunglasses and had a beard. He was a jazz cat. He landed his plane to switch out the battery and we talked to him for a good while. He said he's been flying these things for over 12 years now. He said he is a professional drummer. That he grew up in the sunset on Noriega and 42nd and comes out here a couple times a week when the air is good and flies his planes. He said he actually feels like he's flying when he flies the little plane with his joystick controller. He said it's a really high concentration thing coz you have to inverse all the directions when you fly it towards you. The plane was made of styrofoam. I asked him what kind of drummer he was. He said jazz. I smiled and said back "so do you play on a minimalist kit?" He smiled back and goes "ah! so you know!" and I was like "I love jazz drums" and he said "I'm glad you listen to 'real' music...yah I just got a simple pared down kit, no crash, I play with two rides" and he extended his hand to me and I shook it and I laughed. He told me how he just comes out here and does what he loves and how he's lucky that a lot of the beach goers are chill with him flying planes. He told me the wind was coming from the east . He told me that when its warmer you can really feel the plane get kicked around up there . I never got his name, but we thanked him and wished him a nice day and We kicked my ball back up the beach for another hour while the sun was out and it was just a great day
Aroooooooooo
per convo with Stephanie today
to imbue something with meaning
to allow something to be precious and dear to you
hella important
this is the way
also
self criticism
cut it out
also
add a dash of irrational decision making
sacrifice
ice cream
I stayed up till 4 watching episodes
this is the beginning of the end
at a concert hall that's been repurposed into a movie theater and they let us bring a whole pizza in and everyone around us is jealous and were about to watch a movie of an x-games skiier flying off the mountain doing some crazy shit and everyone here looks like they just came from the mountain but there ain't no mountain close to us and some guy just screamed "yeeeehawwww" coz he won a pair of mittens with a white tiger printed on it. this. is. so. much. fun. lol
everyone cheered every time a skier landed a jump while drinking beers and we winced together and laughed together and went HOLY SHIT together. fucking xtreme sports crowd is the best.