Now i have the hiccups
I think I was just really hungry. I'm calm now
Rawr
All my friends quit their jobs. There's seven of us floating in space calculating the next move and none of us know what's next. I reconnected with the pals tonight and we sat together for 6 hours in the corner of a bar and talked business and that devolved into laughter and that devolved into discussions of nihilism and politics and that devolved into dreams and we shared dreams and tonight was good. It was a night spent with other lost crazies. But the good kind of lost. And the good kind of crazy. Be a ski instructor, rent a cabin in Tahoe in the snow for the winter, strive for political change, rent employees, drove from South Africa to Cairo through Somalia, go to a bus stop in Dubai, eat dim sum in Hong Kong, Patagonia, Antarctica, not too long in Iceland, convince the billionaires to finally fucking do something useful with their god damn money and help the hundreds of homeless in this city of negligence and greed, fuck burning man, fuck those who aspire to preach at Ted talks, fuck the fools who wish to live forever, we can only devote ourselves to change, what happened to going to a sports store and buying a soccer ball and just eating at a McDonald's in a strip mall? We're a band of idiots with dreams and I want fucking to do something meaningful and I'm going to find it and I'm going to commit myself to a greater purpose beyond my stupid selfish wants. That search takes work. Fuck laziness. Fuck complacency. Saying Warrior doesn't make me a warrior. Actions not words. The reckless souls. I'm going to find them
And I get to work from home today,
And it's very dim,
And the sound of the pitter patter is muffled and good.
This is so nice.
Mercury | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | Mars
- 105,000,000 miles -
“Give me a route from San Francisco Golden Gate to your favourite restaurant please (eom)”
“Are you in SF?”
“I’m not, I’m on the other side of the world.”
“Hmm OK. I know a spot.
If you start at the Golden Gate Bridge you would probably begin by heading southwest through the Presidio and walk along the cliff-edge trails, on the roof-tops of the old concrete bunkers we built up in World War II.
It’s usually quite windy up there, windy enough for you to have to nudge your foot stance and weight your body down at times. Your hair would whip around. Sometimes dust gets kicked up from underneath the tires of the cars in the parking lots. And of course, you know, there’s the view...
Big blue.
The bridge thing over there.
And, seagulls. Always seagulls. You might encounter eventually a 350 lb man who wears an orange t-shirt and a red beanie with a lil ball on top of it.
He sits at this one spot, this one ledge where you can’t see the bridge anymore, its just trees, and the Pacific out there. And he throws chunks of hot-dog up into the air, and feeds the crows. I say that you might actually encounter this man because I talked to him last time. I asked him how he was. He said “Oh, I’m just here feeding Nancy.” He named the crow. These were his crows. He said he kept them as pets for several years but she got restless and he let her go and she nested in a tree out over there. And has a partner now, and once a week he returns and she remembers him. Crows are smart. It was quite beautiful. It wasn’t windy that day actually. It was real quiet, quiet enough where you notice the sound of your own step. ”
Lol wut is my job...
what is my job.........
and find people who burn with fire that is of my kind
The shootings made me really sad and mad today. And my car breaking down made me a little sad and a little mad today. And thinking about the company I interviewed at made me pretty sad and pretty mad today. And then I just got off the phone with my best friend from Harvard's brother from Houston and he needs a designer and the product is super fucking interesting and I'm actually excited about this, and the roller coaster fucking continues.
everything is quiet today
There were
And then my
over the but never
."
what
after she
if they
i miss
i missed what life was like before i lifted that pin
but
i've grown
so much in the past six months
my mom and i talked on the phone for hours
and i realized that i'm more of a person than i ever have been right now
even though life is so
unstable right now
its good to know that
the web can only grow
brain
fried
fried banana
yum
I realized tonight that there will always be a million options floating in space,
and each of those million options will have a billion possible decisions,
and that each of those decisions will pull your heart and mind in all sorts of simultaneous directions,
and that nothing will ever actually line up perfectly,
and that those tensions will forever persist,
and questions of balance and priority will always emerge to surface when you least suspect,
and there will never be a best answer,
but you still have to make a decision.
I realized tonight that decisions are like pinning something to a wall.
If you never place a pin down, if you never hold anything stable, all the directions will always be meaningless relative to one another. Relativity without a point of reference is absolute chaos. In a state of absolute chaos, everything always looks good and bad at the same time, there is no such thing as a meaningful decision.
But once you make the choice to place one pin, you give your universe a center. And the decisions you make can now be read in relation to that center.
And then you place another pin, and now you have a line. You have a relationship between two decisions. Now you've created a new kind of tension, but this tension has stability to it. It's meaningful tension. It's a tension that lasts long enough that it can be broken. It's not just some bump between two objects tumbling through space. Two points make a line. That line has a slope, a direction.
And now you place another pin, and you've created a shape. And you keep on placing pins, and you build your web of history and memory. And each pin makes life more complicated. It adds complexity, but it also adds another level of depth in meaning. More meaningful relativity and connectivity.
I want to build a great big web.
I want the shape of that web to be beautiful, and full.
I want to build a life that touches many corners of the universe.
Sometimes it will feel so messy I might as well be floating in an unpinned world.
But that's just panic, that's just the choice of allowing yourself to panic.
We've all placed pins in our lives.
We've also removed pins from our lives.
Nothing is permanent, but that doesn't mean nothing is nothing or nothing is chaos.
The web changes, the history and the memories can mutate.
I guess now I'm wondering, which are the unmovable pins?
Which are the pins you never lift off the page?
Love.
Art.
Family.
Which are the petrified?
Which are the unmovable stones?
Hope.
Meaning.
Faith.
She said to step away.
To not even do the three-week contract.
That these kids are too young and too proud.
That their product is not clean.
That white socks in a load of black laundry will always turn grey.
Love you Mom