I drove to Pacific Super,

parked my car,

walked through the right set of doors,

excused me'd past three eager women waiting in line at the super-lotto machine,

saw Don behind the counter, 

smiled and waved Hello,

Tai goes "What you doin here man?"

I commented on the fact that he's growing out his weird goatee again,

He was wearing a burberry scarf and a thick furry jacket indoors.

Something that sounded alot like the DDR Aiaiaia I'm a butterfly song was playing over the intercom,

One of the CDs that has been cycling on loop infinitely since 1980 something.

I saw Judy,

I walked past the hall of fame of shop lifters,

The same mug shots on polaroids

faded from 20 years of fluorescent tube light,

the same lady who looks remarkably bitter,

the same man who smiles and gives a thumbs up to the camera,

the same dude who hoists up in both fists bags of shrimp dripping onto the floor,

he ordered five pounds of ground beef, reached in with his bare hands, removed the beef, left it somewhere on the floor, replaced the beef with five pounds of shrimp and thought he could get away with it,

what a brave soul

a brave soul.

The floor beneath me is speckled linoleum tile, brown, grey, poop, and gold,

Now it is the green carpet.

The green carpet of which my parents always told me not to sit on because the floor was dirty but I did so anyways,

The green carpet I used to build little cardboard houses on for the mice that I wanted to give homes instead of the death-traps that awaited them in the dark storage room with all the files,

I made living rooms, bedrooms, bathrooms, a feeding room, a water cup

I could not bear the thought of us killing the mice when all they needed was a home.

The green carpet that I used to sit in while Ernest held onto the chair and spun it round and round

until I would fall off, nearly throw up, and grasp tightly into the threads of the fibrous floor

holding on to dear life

hoping the earth would stop spinning soon

then shoving pocky and yan-yans into my mouth

and walking up and down the aisles searching for items that were out of place and finding their rightful homes.

I would always find a lone loaf of bread, tumbled and cast-away, tragically helpless, like a toy from Toy Story when all the kids come back and they play dead. I would wonder why the people walking by would see it and not fix it, not put it back. Loaves of bread do not belong on the floor. 

I would always find a bag of chips opened, someone ate a couple chips out of the bag and put it back.

I would find a six pack of coca colas sitting in the tea section, a lazy shopper who changed their mind and abandoned them with no regrets.

I remember the office upstairs,

my dads desk

his chair

the photo of me when I was 3 sitting in his chair, holding a business card with his name scratched out and R o G E r

in its place. 

The little boss

I remember the flowers I gave my mom

Maybe this is one of my first memories

I'm realizing this now

When I was in pre-school, that half chinese half english preschool...

The art teacher was white

She brought us outside one day on a field trip

to pick the tiny flowers we found on the side of the road

I remember sitting in a quiet room

Golden hour light

the type of stillness where you notice single strands of dust falling gently up and around

we took the flowers and placed them between two clear plastic sheets

we built frames out of popsicle sticks

I wrote "i love you mom" in puffy paint

sealed the frame together, sandwiching the poor dry dead flower inside

my mom still has it

she used to hang it above her desk at work

i love my mom

i love my dad

i love my sister

i'm realizing how good it is to be with my family again

i spent the whole day with my sister

we talked about alot of things

i listened to her talking to the managers at the store

i was proud of her

she works so hard

she works so hard for the family

she sacrifices herself for the family

she is selfless

despite how anyone treats her

resilient and loyal

i said this once at her wedding and i'll say it again

i do not know another human being so capable of unconditional love


i'm on my knees at the edge of my bed on the floor

with the laptop at the foot of the bed

chin planted in the furry grey blanket that you like


i want to grow to be someone who can love as my sister loves

as a caring and selfless soul

i want to give you that kind of love

and then extend that love to everyone around me



my friend mezz

just asked me what i'll be doing in LA

I told him I'm here to hang out with a girl that i'm sorta in love with

he responds: 

"love is a beautiful thangggg"


i know this whole thing is totally nuts

but it aint a bad idea

its just a beautiful thangggggggggg